A Reflection On Forgiveness: What forgiveness is not

12-08-2021

By Maryclare Beche

Continued from last week

I would like to start by addressing some faulty thinking about forgiveness. In my culture There are a lot of stereotypes when it comes to asking for forgiveness and forgiving someone. Most times, society expects one to forgive, forget and restore relationships even without the offender asking for forgiveness. I put pressure on one to reconcile without forgiving, and pretend as if the wrong never happened. There is a famous cliche “forgive and forget” which many Christians believe it comes from the bible, since it sounds like something Jesus would have said. Actually, it is nowhere to be found in the bible. As far as anyone has been able to trace it, the saying needs to go back to the Middle Ages, perhaps the fourteenth century…To urge victims to forget is to victimize them once again, saying that they could not possibly be as hurt as they claim to be… “In forgiving, we do not forget; we remember in a different way”.[1]

There are several things that forgiveness is not. I will start by confidently stating that forgiveness is not weakness. It takes a lot of strength to be able to forgive someone who has hurt you. It doesn’t matter what the person did or the level of hurt, pain is pain regardless, and it takes a lot of courage to decide to forgive someone or even go a step further as to restore the relationship. Forgiveness also does not mean that we trust the person immediately. Just because we have forgiven someone, it does not mean that they have changed. And even if there is a change, the trust that was there has already been broken and it will take time to rebuild. Little by little, as we keep having good experiences with the person, we will begin to trust them again but it surely may take a long time to be able to trust them completely, if ever.

What if the person who has wronged me does not ask for forgiveness? Some people may ask. Forgiveness does not depend on what the other person does - we do not need to wait until the offender has apologized to us, or until we see a change in behavior. While on the cross and without the people who caused him a lot of hurt asking for forgiveness, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing...” (Luke 23:34 NIV)

Lastly, Forgiveness is not having a good feeling towards the person who wronged you because forgiveness is not simply a feeling. When we forgive, it does not mean that the offender will not be punished for the wrong thing that they did. The offender needs to face the law, and also pay back what they have taken if possible. It is therefore important to note that, “forgiveness is not something we do for ourselves alone, but something we give or offer to another. The forgiving response is outward-looking and other-directed; it is supposed to make a difference to the wrongdoer as well as to ourselves, and it makes a difference in how we interact with the wrongdoer and with others.”[2]

Work cited

[1] Robert J. Schreiter, The Ministry of Reconciliation: Spirituality and Strategies (Maryknoll, N.Y.: Orbis Books, 1998), 66.

[2]Robert D. Enright and Joanna North, eds., Exploring Forgiveness (Madison, WI: University of Wisconsin Press, 1998), 19.

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